sentences

consultant hell

welcome to consultant hell. we've all seen stories online relating tech support horrors and hilarities. these stories are somewhat similar, except that they happened face to face in a place i like to call.... consultant hell. otherwise known as the college computer lab. they're 100% true, sadly almost entirely without documenting evidence. i know they're true because they happened to me. i'm the bofh. names have been changed to protect the stupid, the guilty, and anyone who might get fired.

submit your stories.

- nina

on the intelli-eye mice:
<user> why do those mice have red butts?
<consultant> red butts?
<user> yes, the butt on my mouse is red.
<consultant> oh.. those mice have been castrated.
they have no balls.
<user> but do they work?

printing concerns:
<user> where's my printout?
* after searching, i discover that his paper has printed out on a printer a half mile away in another building, and tell him so *
<user> so how come you don't have it?
<consultant> because that printer is not in this room.
<user> can you get it?
<consultant> due to the current limitations of physics, i cannot teleport your paper. please select a printer that is located within the physical confines of this room.

i put it where?
<user> which one of these holes do i stick the little disk in?
<consultant> which one does it fit in?

sometimes, the solution is right in front of you
<user> i want my page numbers in the middle.
* look at user's screen, with the word menu showing the selections for page number alignment *
<consultant> well, it's not going to be 'left' or 'right'

why am i here?
* user walks up to consultant's desk *
<consultant> can i help you?
<user> do you know anything about computers?
<consultant> no. i wear this shirt with the computer on it and get paid to sit here just cause i look pretty.

some people shouldn't own computers.
* out of breath user comes in for walk in consulting carrying the manuals to her brand new pc *
<user> can you help me? my computer is all ... stuck. nothing moves. it's brand new, i hope it's not broken.
<consultant> windows probably froze. it's not....
<user> well i hurried up and unplugged my phone line out of the modem thing to try to fix it but that didn't work so i don't know what to do.
<consultant> you'll need to hit the reset button and reboot.
<user> where's that?
<consultant> it's on the front of the case
<user> you mean the hard disk?
<consultant> yes. hit that button.
<user> ok but if that doesn't work, can i just unplug it and bring it here for you to fix?